Shit’s Going Down

It’s hard moving on from a life style that became a part of who I am.  Being fully committed to Ted was a life style.  I was loved, and loved him for loving me.  I wish I could just end it there because that would have made my decision so much easier.  I loved Ted, so I should’ve wanted to be with him.  But it wasn’t that simple.  It didn’t have to do with whether I loved him or not, but how much I did.  And how much he returned it.  The ratio was off, he loved me more, and still does.  And although I still love him the same it just isn’t enough anymore to hide the tears of guilt, of pain for fear of leading him on.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  And I know that I’ve already explained myself in the previous entry, so why do I feel like I still need to?

We text almost every day- actually I don’t think a day has gone by since we broke up where we haven’t texted each other.  We see each other every day at school and although it started out rocky as we adjusted to the gears of change turning in our hearts, brains and lives, we got through the awkward encounters and made it past phase one.  We are good friends now and pretty open about the whole situation.  At least we both act that way towards each other.  There are nights, however, that you can still find me wearing his sweatshirt to bed with tear stains on my pillow.  I still wear the necklace he bought me, why shouldn’t I?  It’s a nice silver necklace.  Good to wear for any occasion.  Besides, he didn’t spend a hundred dollars on a Tiffany necklace for his girlfriend just so she could wind up dumping him and have it sit in it’s box for the rest of eternity.

He’s good at making me jealous.  He went out to two parties this weekend when I didn’t even go to one. What ever happened to the Ted that had no friends and who rather sit home and watch Pirates of the Caribean than go out and get drunk?  It sucks.  Now he’s the one out partying and I’m stuck home because of stupid late nights working at the restaurant.  Well, I can promise you one thing, (whoever you may be), that this Tuesday when we have off the next day (Jewish holiday), SHIT’S GOING DOWN.


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