Crash Course: Senior Year

Although it might not be one of my wisest decisions, I have decided to start reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”.  My love life is currently so unexciting that it has come down to living through other peoples’ sex lives in order to make mine more eventful.  The more people I told about starting the book, the more I realized it must be more sexual than I thought.  And oh, was I right…  If I had known sex could be like this I would have broken up with Ted a long time ago! (Just kidding…but really).  As I read through the juicy pages, my eyes sucked up each and every word and my stomach got butterflies.  I realized I was biting my lip.

Even though sex with Ted might not have been like Christian and Ana’s, some of the things still reminded me of it.  A ping of sadness stung my heart as I read how his eyes met hers as he kissed down her stomach.  I slammed the book down on my bed and brought my hands to my face.  My eyes started to water but the butterflies were still bouncing off the walls of my stomach and my teeth still held my bottom lip in place.  It was the most mixed up emotions I had ever felt.  A mixture of missing and needing; remembering and wishing.  Not to mention I was horny as fuck.  Stupid E.L. James.  Who even is this bitch anyway?  I turned the book over and looked at her picture.  How does one woman know so much about such good sex?

I shoved the book into my nightstand drawer and turned off the light.  I curled myself up underneath my sheets, closed my eyes, and tried to go to bed.  An image of Gary popped up almost immediately out of nowhere.  I almost stopped breathing as an old memory stopped all other brain function so it could play clearly in my mind.  It was like the time I was watching the food network and just as Paula Dean was about to pull her chocolate cupcakes out of the oven, the news station interrupted with an important message from the president; it was annoying and uncalled for.  All I saw in my head was Gary’s big, brown eyes.  The way he kissed all the way down to my hipbone and gave me the weirdest sensation I had never felt before, and never felt again.  The way he looked up at me through his lashes, just as Christian did to Ana, and we locked eyes; neither of us looked away…

“Time to get up, Lace.” My mom’s soft voice entered into my sleepy thoughts.  I cracked my eyes open to see her silhouette standing in between the light from the hallway and darkness of my room.  “It’s 6:15,” she said as she started to walk towards me.  I shifted in my sleep and groaned to let her know that I was up and she didn’t have to shake me.  As I lifted my body off of my mattress I glanced over at my clock.  6:13.  That liar.  I slammed my head back on the pillow and took advantage of the two extra minutes in which I could have been dreaming of my Christian Grey.  At that point, however, falling back asleep for a couple of minutes would probably just bring me to have some crazy realistic dream of me brushing my teeth only to realize I haven’t even left the comfort of my own bed.

As soon as my phone vibrated with a text from Madelaina I was out the door with my cup of tea before my mom could start lecturing me about college deadlines.

“Oh- bye hon, have a good day!”

“Thanks!” –and I was out.

The brisk, December air smacked my face just from stepping into my garage.  I made my way over to Madelaina’s gold, Honda CRV and opened the door.

“Haiii,” she greeted me with Michael Buble’s Christmas track as it played softly through the speakers.

“Hiii,” I slid into the passenger’s seat and put my tea into the cup holder as I settled in.  Maddy and I have a mutual agreement on jamming to Christmas music/Taylor Swift in the car from now until Christmas.  It’s one of the many things we have in common.

“Laina put on Trouble- put on T-Swift,” Maddy’s sophomore brother, Gunther, beckoned from the back seat.  “Laina, Laina put on-“

“Shut up Gunther!  We’re listening to my Christmas Pandora!” Maddy was obviously not in the mood to deal with Gunther’s pestering, although it was entertaining for me as I sat in the passenger’s seat and laughed into my tea.

After waiting on the car line for about five minutes as we discussed how much of an ass hole Emmett was being lately, (one of my ONCE good friends who I am no longer friends with anymore due to his ass hole behavior), we finally pulled into the senior parking lot.

Just to back track for a moment, Emmett and I started getting really close at the beginning of this year.  He was always close with our group of friends because he’s always been a nice guy and easy to talk to.  I never saw Emmett as anything more than a friend, so when he started coming onto me after I broke up with Ted I wasn’t sure how to take it.  I was pretty horny from feeling deprived after going from everything to nothing practically overnight after the break up, so I tried to see myself hooking up with Emmett but I just couldn’t do it.  I think Emmett is a cute kid- I really do.  It’s just…it’s Emmett…  Whenever I think of hooking up with him I wince because I feel like it would be so awkward.  For starters, his teeth are big and although he has a great smile, I feel like he wouldn’t know how to maneuver his tongue around his teeth.  Just recently he has been coming onto me a lot more than usual.

Ex. #1:  I received a text at around nine one night when he was at the Dave Matthew’s Band concert.  This was our conversation.

DEC. 1ST, 9:11 PM

Emmett:  I miss u 😦

Me:  :,( What’s up?

Emmett:  Nothing just chilling

Living life right now

Me:  Haha same just eating some cookies hehe

Emmett:  That is pretty nice

Me:  Haha ik it’s the Pillsbury sugar cookie kind with the pictures 😀

Emmett:  Any peanut butter?

Me:  Sadly no :/ I’m stuffed

Emmett:  Well my weekend isn’t as good without u.

Me:  Haha what?!  That can’t be true.. Vlad (his dad) is such a party animal.

Emmett:  Nah good thing im not anywhere near him

Me:  Why do u say that

Emmett:  Not home haha.  He is

Me:  Haha ohh where r u?

Emmett:  At the dmb concert *insert excited/constipated emoji here*

Me:  Haha ohh really?! How is it?

Emmett:  So fucking good.  Could be better 😉

Me:  Haha I doubt it.  Dmb rox *insert random emojis here* (PS. That statement is sarcastic, I do not like Dave Matthews).

Emmett:  So do u

Me:  Lol.. Drink a little too much tonight??!

Emmett:  Of course not

Me:  High? *insert cigarette emoji here*

Emmett:  Of course not

Me:  Hahah are ya sure..?

Emmett:  Positive J

Me:  So you didn’t smoke or drink at all tonight..

Emmett:  Maybe a little

Me:  Haha that’s what I thought

Emmett:  Still…

Me:  Still…….

Emmett:  I miss u

Me:  Haha miss u too?


Emmett:  I was a little scared with that question mark

Me:  Haha sorry it was a typo

Emmett:  *insert happy emoji here*

After I didn’t respond to his last text, he ended up Snapchatting me with suggestive captions that started out harmless, such as “What r u doing”.  Then I would answer “in bed” and send a really disgustingly ugly picture of myself with multiple chins.  Then, he would respond, “I’m coming over”.  And I would be like “”.  Then he would be like “if I had my car I so would”.  Then I frantically tried to end it with, “I’m tired, night!” before he decided to Snapchat me a pic of his dick.

So after all of that went down, as if our friendship that I so carefully tried to preserve despite his hormonally rash behavior meant nothing to him whatsoever, I found out the next day that him and his friends refer to us as LG’s, aka: local grenades.  I wanted to fucking murder him.

DEC. 2ND, 11:00 AM

“Me: You’re an ass hole

Emmett: Why? Ur the one that rejected me last night…

Me: Why would u have even come onto me I’m a local grenade

Emmett: What is that?

Me: Apparently what lg stands for

Aka what you call our friends

Emmett: Aka who told u this nonsense?

Me: Sally heard it from Sadie and Cheryl

I knew it was something bad you just would never tell me.  You can’t even tell me it’s not true because I have a pretty good idea it is something bad like that

Emmett: And where did they acquire this misconstrued info?

Me: Stfu I’m not kidding you’re so annoying

All of you are

Emmett: Alright this is why I never wanted to tell u

Me: ?

No** this is why you should have never said it

Who invented it and why

Emmett: Not i

Me: Idc who was it

Emmett: Idk

Me: Ok then you can fuck yourself and feel free to tell Weeter, Paine and everyone else the same.

Emmett: *insert crying emoji here*

WHAT A FUCKING ASS HOLE.  The nerve he had to come onto me so much the night before and then not even act as though he cared.  A crying face.  That’s all the response I got.  Not even an apology or explanation.  He hasn’t texted me since then, or tried to talk to me about it whatsoever.  I flipped him off in the hallway and he smiled at me and told me to stop.  I just kept walking- he didn’t even try to stop me.  Then I received a Snapchat of a Mexican he works with, with the caption “only white person”.  I hope that Mexican raped him.

My first period class passed slowly as Jen and I struggled to make it through Calculus, then we were both off to art.  Art is my favorite class and I wish it lasted all day.  Especially through Health…

My health class consists of me, and basically every boy in my grade that is cooler than me (besides Dylan Trainer, my immature yet adorable ex-boyfriend), and a bunch of weird girls who I’m not friends with.  That being said, I am forced to sit amongst stupid boys and listen to their sexist remarks and immature comments that make me want to punch a wall.  Stupid boys: Blake Tamburino (somewhat attractive football player/wrestler/flirt/anti-gay/ass hole, status: not relevant), Mike Zingarelli (super attractive hockey player, status: taken), Saul Hamden (funny, friendliest of the group, status: taken), Damon Ramer (old crush, hilariously weird and adorable, status: single), and then there’s Dylan.  Oh Dylan, whenever I think he might be cute again he just opens his mouth and all hope is lost.

Although these boys are stupid, as most boys are, I mostly point that derogatory label towards Blake who continues to amaze me with his offensive remarks every time he decides to speak.  Like the time Ms. Lemon made us look up ads that were sexually persuasive.  Blake looked up an ad with a girl in a bikini bending over with a picture of potato chips in the corner.  Then, when he described it to the class he had the whole clan laughing up a storm.

“So…there’s a girl…and uh…she’s…attractive…in a bikini…and uh…”

“And what is she doing?” Lemon interrupts him to try to encourage his brain mush to form some sort of language.

“She’s bending over…” he has to stop here before his laughter completely deteriorates his ability to form a sentence.

“She’s got big cans,” Mike says plainly as he continues to play Subway Surfers on his iPhone.  Why is he so hot?

I blinked rapidly and looked away from Mike, wondering if I actually just thought that.  Must’ve been my inner E.L. James.  He is really hot though, too bad he isn’t single.  Not like he would get with me anyways…or would he? (aka: my thought process every time I look at him).  Then again, reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” has really taken a toll on my imagination– every guy I look at fantasize about.

Ms. Lemon does not seem the least bit phased by this random outburst.  She was always a pushover.  Lemon and her sleeveless turtlenecks..  It’s funny because she wears sweaters over them and you would think they have sleeves, naturally, but when she finally takes off the sweater– BAM.  No sleeves.

I was partnered with Damon after Lemon told us to partner up because he was the only one left.  The guys usually jumped to partner with their friends, but this time there was no jumping because they knew it was awkward with me obviously not having someone to jump too.  Well, Dylan didn’t quite catch on.

“Mikerrrz,” he said as he turned around and smacked Mike’s desk before Lemon could even finish giving instructions.  After mentally breaking down over the humiliatingly dramatic situation at hand, I turned around in my desk to face my doom.

“I don’t really care who I’m with,” Blake said almost to me. Although he is stupid and an ass hole, he is kind of nice if that even makes sense.  Or maybe he’s just an habitual flirt.  Either way it’s irrelevant because he wound up being with Saul.

“Alright, who doesn’t have a partner?” I decided to be courageous and take matters into my own hands, despite how much they were shaking.  Mike looked up at me with a trace of sympathy in his grey eyes, yet jokingly stated for the sake of his manhood;

“I don’t think Paljeet has a partner,” surely this one got a couple chuckles out of the group.  Paljeet is an Indian kid in our class with a turban and a thick beard and mustache to match.  He could pass for forty at least.  I felt terrible that he didn’t have a partner, but he is very creepy and I was not about to discuss my sexual ad with him of all people.  I looked nervously across the room as my heart rate quickened.  I spotted Damon in the back and quickly called him out.  He was minding his own business, pretending not to be quick to jump in and be my partner when in reality I’m sure he wanted to be my partner just as bad as I didn’t want to be Paljeet’s.

“DAMON- do you have a partner?” I said loudly to make sure I got his attention on the first try.  His brown eyes peered up from his paper and away from his doodles and locked into mine- but only for a quick, timid second before looking back down.

“Nah,” he responded.

“Wanna be mine?”

“Sure.”  Damon is funny.  And although I mean literally because he is probably the funniest kid in our grade, he isn’t funny in the way most kids are.  He is seriously funny- not the joke-cracking kind, or sarcastic kind either.  His sense of humor is quiet and serious, the kind where you can never tell if the person kidding or not.

Being partnered with him in health that day brought me back to sixth grade again.  I would be shitting myself right now, who would’ve thought; me, Lacy Baker, asking Damon Ramer to be my health…discussing SEXUAL ads.  I silently praised myself on my sixth-grade-self’s behalf.  That day was one of the few – very few – good days in health.

When the bell rang, I was off to Forensics to spend a solid forty-five minutes with Phoebe.  I would have killed myself by now if Phoebe wasn’t in that class, considering Amanda Stein is one of the only other girls I’m even remotely friendly with and I strongly dislike her.  Plus, I’ve come to the realization that I have hooked up with two of the guys in that class and one of whom no one will ever let me forget.  Carl.

It was around this time junior year when Mitch had a party at her house.  The one and only party she threw and I got with Carl Cabrera.  He’s Jared’s little brother (Sally’s boyfriend), and has never stopped liking me since I was his first kiss.  We’ve had a love/hate relationship ever since I also got with his best friend on that same night, Andrew Barker.  It was more of a forced rape that he refuses to have enjoyed.  I was really drunk…  but I know he liked it.  Barker is confusing like that.  His sense of humor is so sarcastic he will be joking 100% of the time, so you’re forced to be sarcastic back, even if you’re actually serious.  He’s adorable and currently on my “TO DO” list for Christmas break 😉 not literally of course, but he’s really cute and I can’t help but wonder if he flirts with me sometimes.

So I walked to Forensics with Phoebe and Sadie Poet.  Sadie P and I have become really close this year ever since she broke up with her ex, Roger Ferranti.  After going away to boot camp all summer, he came back a total army freak and didn’t give her the time of day.  Now he shamelessly tries to get in all of our pants.  Bottom line: he is a douche bag.

I told them my story about health and how Mike is so hot and Damon and I rekindled our nonexistent-flame.

“I have a feeling there will be a lot more health stories to tell…” I said to Phoebe whose face lit up with excitement.  She loves my stories, and I love telling them.

After suffering through a period of looking at hair follicles under a microscope, the bell finally rang and I was off to the parking lot.  Maddy and I get to leave right after seventh period because we both have lunch and study hall during eighth and ninth for the first half of the year.  It’s kind of awesome.

As we walked up the hallway towards the auditorium I couldn’t help but notice Barker has early dismissal too.  I caught his eye from down the hall as we turned the corner and he squinted his eyes at me with his sarcastic attitude.  I squinted my eyes and gave him a dirty look back.  As Maddy and I continued walking I felt a tap on my left shoulder and then Barker came up from behind me on my right.  Typical.  I faked a punch at his shoulder and he was quick to move out of the way.

“HEY WOAH!  Watch it!!!” he demanded, seemingly annoyed that I would ever do such a thing.  Then he continued to walk on past as if I didn’t even exist.  He’s so confusing, but I know there’s some attraction there.  I know that Barker is notorious for that kind of flirtatious behavior with everyone, and he may even take it further with other girls but I don’t know- I feel like it’s different.  He texted me once last weekend at 1 AM and just said “Hey Lauren”, like come on, that has to mean something.  No matter how sarcastic that kid is it isn’t enough to hide the mutual attraction between us, let’s be real!  (Or so I wish).

Maddy and I jam to Taylor Swift as I get into one of my typical quiet moods and feel as though I am a part of one of Taylor’s depressing music videos.  We both sing out loud, but I sing softly.  I look out the window and although this may seem over dramatic (which I can sometimes be), I think of Gary as I sing.

I’ve gotten past the point of cursing myself for thinking about him because I’ve come to accept the fact there will most likely never be a time where I won’t.  Especially when my hormones are raging.  So I just learn to accept it.  Somewhere deep down inside my gut I know that two summers ago was not the end between Gary and I.  There will be another moment in time for us, whether it is just a moment or whether it is a lifetime; I know there will be.  And I am excited.

I look out the window and I feel sad but know that I shouldn’t.  Amongst the sadness, however, there is excitement.  I know that something wonderful is waiting for me just around the corner; I just need to get there.